I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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