You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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