k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
