I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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