I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
