What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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