Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
