I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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