Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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