i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
