dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
