Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
nutella sex= disaster
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
