I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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