you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
