apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
