I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
