Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
