I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
