Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
