Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
