I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
