She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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