If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
