I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
