i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i now understand why vodka
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
