your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You may now shotgun with the bride
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
