So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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