People in love make me want to vomit
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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