my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
no, he came in my armpit
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
