oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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