Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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