She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My vagina is officially offended.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
