Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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