i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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