People in love make me want to vomit
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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