omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We left the knife in your bed.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
