I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
