Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
