bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
