and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I checked into jail on foursquare
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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