Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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