so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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