I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Randomize
