So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
