I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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