I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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