I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
