I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
