this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
