Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
