You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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